I’ve done several things to keep me focused over the years. Whether it is prayer, family time, intense work ethic, or my fitness. The one thing that I believe with all of my heart is that I will be vindicated soon. And like I tell my close friends, what is the point of living life FOR vindication if you know it is going to happen anyway?
Now, you could say that I am foolish for believing that I KNOW it will happen. But that is just me. I am a guy who has seen the worst of the world yet, I have an awesome wife, daughter, and life. Considering that juxtaposition, you would have faith too.
The point is, I want to succeed more than most people want to eat food. Not because of money or fame but because I want to show people an example of what you can do when you act as if one of the greatest hurdles you could ever imagine – is only a footnote in your life.
I believe that when the story is done, everyone around me will be proud. And that vindication will be the footnote, not the deeds that I have done in the mean time.
For years, my most cherished verse in the bible was Jeremiah 29:11: “For I know the plans that I have for you, plans to prosper you and not to harm you.” I never thought that I had taken it out of context. I hadn’t. I really believe that my life will change for the better one day, allowing my family to fully live. See, my life is lived in two portals. I live for today but I live because of yesterday. I always think of my prayers from 2005 and 2006. I always prayed for protection. I was so scared back then. The seclusion almost killed me and back then, I felt that that was probably the point of having me in that seclusion.
You may not get what I am saying. In my mind, making me live a life on one of the world’s most suicidal Navy Bases (Groton to be exact), literally across the river from an institution that meant more to me than my behavior exhibited. This led me to believe that they wanted me to quit on myself. I felt that they wanted me to kill myself. So I remember that verse, playing through my mind. “I am going to get through this, I am going to get through this.” I remember thinking that as long as I can tell my story, there is no way that I will be damned to hell for the rest of my professional life. But things didn’t happen that way. I lost one of many but that one did me in.
Even so, I kept that verse close to my heart. And I built a family with it, I went back to school with it, I built a life with it. A life for my family, starring the most important little four year old princess in the world. So here I am today, over six years later. And I am reading the context of Jeremiah, FINALLY coming to God with a full heart. I need this.
I need to be free but I also need to tell you a little secret, I am not upset at all. The CRAZIEST thing about this ordeal is that the pain built me. And I know that the unwelcomed pain that the compromising moments shared by the people involved all shared, made each of us stronger and better.
I had a dream that continues to play in my mind. That dream involves resolution, freedom, truth, and progress. Yes, the crazy thing about this is that I would hug everyone involved. And thank them without an ounce of remorse. It’s time to live.
Jeremiah 29:7 is the crux of this entire passage: “Also, seek the peace and prosperity of the city to which I have carried you into exile. Pray to the Lord for it, because if it prospers, you too will prosper.â€ I pray for the prosperity, not just of the friends that love me today but from the opponents that were after me yesterday. It’s time to live.
One of the most frustrating things for me to watch over the past few years was how often people related to this case (other than myself) have had their names dragged through the mud. I wish they’d be left alone. There have been a lot of dreams lately. People sending me messages describing the impact that I am supposed to have. A friend of mine from Houston, texting me about the same thing regarding Lindsey. It’s been interesting. But I’ve had a couple of dreams on my own. And while this sounds odd, I still hold most everyone that was involved in high regard. So much so, that I one day imagine (dreamt, actually) that resolution was words away.
I had a dream that one written paragraph would save my life. One paragraph, written by one person. I know that none of this is over yet. Not in a negative sense, but a positive one. The way that I’ve always seen it is that I can’t blame anyone who protected themselves from retribution. We were all 21 year olds in compromising situations back then. In a way, we were all pawns. I just want this to be over with. And I want everyone left alone to live their beautifully married lives as mothers and fathers. I thought that I was unbreakable, but I was wrong.
Who would have ever thought this to be possible?